Originally Posted by Courtney

well i wouldnt be living in los angeles, despite the crashing waves i mean the MIGHTY ocean pounding outside my home day in and night out i feel doscopnnected from nature and i feel as a parent im sure there are many mistakes i have made duh, but i feel i have disconneted my child from nature, LA is for work, i c ome home thru the canyons frpm the Valley thinking "Ive given you the best years and you give me emptiness and a soprt of grin and bear it sorrow"
the adage of if you can make it in NY you can make it anywhere is such a MASSIVE loa dof horseshit,k try being asskissingly nice because you truly loathe the amoral thing someone has done but everyones fucking smiling as they stick in the knives because theres no seasons and theres all sunshine oh every fucking cliche is true, Now if i dont get my ass off this thing and hit my rhyming dictionary im going to have one major asskicking, this record is the Most Important Thing i have ever dont othe rthan to Give Birth to my Daughter, and as the Matrix of this thing my band myself and my BOSS wich is what a godgiven great producer really is- a great LEADER, B ienhorn leads me psychically thru so much shit density of demons and the band cannot fucntion unless i provide a massive dose of story tellling RIGHT FUCKING NOW but i so wish i ahjd a river a mountain a creek a little treehouse a horse a candle a quill pen a beautiful deep breathtaki ng valley the repose of fall and falling orange leaves or the smell of daphne and the breathtaking view of cherry blossoms in a heaving wind- its not fair to say nature doesnt exist in Los Angeles she's just weary violent and pretty evil- she shakes us and burns us and ashes us and harms us, she doesnt mean to be so Evil she just is- i once joined the Lilac Society here in Pasadena - yes i really did - i am not joking, my love of the flower is pretty passionate- and i attended two of thier classes at The Huntington gardens= well i grew a little Lilac Bush with three little buds and they grew to bushy little Lilac Srs and noone told me this= the earth here in this High Desert is so barren She Provides No Smell To Lilacs, Lilacs without scent? fucking kidding? nope i used to best imported earth and cow poop and there they withered those three Lilacs ,scentless, and impotent- now i have to chop up small and imp[ortAnt words that mean metaverses and throw shapes at songs as i "posted" the other night,l i don t allow the words first although i wish i did, i listen to alot of people who do-= i put the melodies first and have only not done that on Pretty On The Inside, wich is a place where i could just dumbdown my skill set let myself and Eric Erlandson explore starmnge tunings and go for a demonic overlay of dense dense purging- but i was back to my pre POTI self soon as i heard ironically.
"In Bloom" and previous to that Corgans first works in the early early 90s, "Rhinocerus" and "La Dolly Vita" in particular and of course "Head Like a Hole" pissed me off and fucked me up and made me a competitive little shit , but to be truthful i dont mean to sound Hubristic, i am not NOT ins ome freefall of meandering making some album youve heard what Linda has asked me not to refer to as Demos, but I can think of nothing elese to call them- because for me =- i MUST be in a REAL BAND to thrive- i am only a frontman, woman, and i start good riffs and can arrange basically to a certain level after that we the matrices of the song need a conducter who with his body and soul takes the NATURAL state of our OUR being so key to my personal process i am useless at selling phony states of being- i dont have the pipes for that or the desire and without desire one is always impotent and fractured- true desire to communicate ones inner state and reflect the darkness of life is all that keeps me burning , this has for eons been miscontrued as eccentricity, ambition,l attention seeking, like the time i stood at a tube station in London and allw as silent as hell and then a huge noise ripped thru Holland Parks Tube as a HUGE woman with children and a crazy hat came in yellling her lungs out . NUTS. cursing, and the think l;ittle chidlren wioth her obviously adored her- people began to giggle- as i m pretty sure so did i, not thinking that we are all that crazy fat creative force i n the middle of conformity and quiet servituide- and one of the children she cant have been 7 , got her back up and stared at one of the men gigglin g at her crazxed huge matrix of a mother and said"STOP LAUGHING AT MY MOTHER!"
ill never forget how deeply this resonated with me, the creative female has always been the scapegoat, and as ready and up for the job of polemic , scapegoAted and loathed i was always- id didnt mind and i knew what i was in for and am so past caring wether or not i have a "likeable" persona despite my own charm being rather well, ill just be honest, im fucking a charming, but she has nothing to do with HER, her that fronts a great band has a great prodcuer and must now pile dive into such deep shit and come up with the best lyrics of a pretty great lyrical track record-= yeas i am a perfromer- but first i am a writer- of lyric poetry, thats what i do. thats what i am good at. the rest is secondary , and i bring the shitty the squalid the sexual the whores to light and the madonnas to filth and to do it with sanity is why i am in malibu it is the closest i will get to Natures Filth aand Beauty and force in LA and i cannot NOT deliver on this record.
Im fine with being a scapegoat, i dont care, do you see ? i dont CARE. but that does not mean its okay to break the law or steal from me. Cpas Lawyers Bankers represent the Male Logos Science and Organisation and they have degraded pillaged and raped me, ididnt know that my prism extended to people creating such misery for me and anxiety i cant AFFORD to do my job, so scapegoat me , ill do it for free, but fuck with my family and the universe will get you hard for being so ridiculously cliched as to pick on the freak lady.
okay now the freak lady has said her piece and she will not use spellcheck and she just needed to publically blow off steam , possibly because creation always creates a need for attention and this blogging shit is terribly bad for me - but this shou;ld be fairly harmless, im not naming any names or being specific, i just know the Import of my work and my connection to my child and i wish i had another few children, but otherwise i am fine, protection now avenge later, aching for something to burst thru me. Numinous and real , Beauty magazines and tabloid mags are the WORST possible thing i can imagine having around this little house.
if i had a life i would indeed learn to drive and go alone to see "Duckie" at the New Beverly, because i get the joke i just dont hAve time for the c ineastes whom i adore who populate my life as friends because other than Stipe and Melissa i cant think of a whole lot of my friends who are in bands- Harry but she needs to get better- let her self be the scapegoat- not just the sexual being- i miss having friends - but my SGI people are being pretty good about supporting me once a week for a chant- and i do get my rolfing once a week and see my Yogi once or twice a week but i haveto up the ante now-= we go in and i have to have a very strong core and i have to have it fast and i guess ill put Pilates shit right down in the open wind and just let it rust cos its impirtant i start doing my Pilates again now, that stuff works magic on me-= i fdont know about what any of you do daily-= do any of you pray? work out? have a magical ritual? live near a forest? for me just watching TV an hour a week is actually restful i can turn off my dutiful worrying and or process- because one CANNOT be a laywer CPA Banker Forensic accountant student scholar of Finance and make music worth a shit at the the same time - i think anyone wouyld agree with that, so i just have my "As seen on tv " glasss cutter and my paint brushes and duckeggs and chartrueses and vermillions and Degas pinks and etc- and i sit by the sea with my GLUEGUN putting shells on thumbtacks and thats sort of my walk by the river- and reading Marion Woodman again- EVERY RECORD IVE EVER MADE except "Le Disastre" of " The Chateau Miraval"( wich i have just found out not one ONE note recorded there was used0 that piece of shit was and is the absouloute product of the end of the dinosaur age of the industry- a fucke dup singer - half baked songs and the wrong cowriters abnd a phony non band- and top players covering her mistakes- i apologise deeply for that record- i like almost golden and sunset strip c ouldve been something- i guess but julian is funny and if i hadnt cdestroyed it with being":ironic" with a Nirvana/kC riff theres a sexual haze of a song with a stupid name that has some really quite good sexual lyrics- but i iuused up "let em eat cake" and i hate that- dammit= i mena i set out to destroy myself and i went ALL THE WAY down and im over the shame and the failure part- i learned such valueable things from my own double triiple scoop of destruction ) has come from a Jungian state of being and the i=ntake of a lot of high end poetry visual;s and Marion Woodman - i love Jung and am fascinated with how he reinvented the wheel - im not past symbolism by any means but looking very carefully at a brilliant Abstract painting Sunday night as the very lovely context of the painting was patiently explaind to me i was reawakened to a certain LACK of abstactness of my own- im Romantic if anything i guess wich i s why im goin g to be a cliched white person and put on Beethovans 9th and write to it presently - im insanely lucky to be alive- let alone be working inside the greatest collection of songs of my or i believe any other lifetime, i do not mean to state anything negative in any way about Linda , i love her and i will never ever have a negative word top asay about all she gave and my gratitude to her- so in a rare gestur eof diplomacy that ill POINT OUT as my diplomatic natur eis actually cancelled by my outspokenness of stupid shit that people do to me and in general and trust me i include myself inj that hugely, im very very lucky to have Shawn Micko Stuart and Chris and Micheal to go home to in an hour now....... leave me the fuck alone i have to go kiss my sixteen year old daughter - YOU rtry that at home-= and then write for an hour straight get in the fucking car walk past Mary J Bliges room with head held high ( i DID write her a huge fan letter last night- Christ shes the real thing- i saw her live at Eltons Oscar Party and she made me sob , ive written very few fan letters in my life but i had to ) and walk into my room and perfom whip it out my mouth and pen and lead the way or we sort of find it together- i cannot ewait for AUf Der Mar to get her red Queen ass here and make these vocals sweet as i love our voices together and im really excited about that- shes got that Tinkle and magickle sparkle that was always goooing to make her a star in the firmanent- okay off to work i go

Originally Posted by dawn

I always thought her harmonies made the band sound lame. she's better off with out her.

Originally Posted by dawn

I always thought AufDerMar's harmonies made the band sound lame. Courtney's better off with out her.

Originally Posted by dawn

I always thought AufDerMar's harmonies made the band sound lame. Courtney's better off with out her.

Originally Posted by ltripley

Melissa is an excellent back up singer. I never cared for her solo stuff because her voice is a little annoying when front and center.

Originally Posted by AshMcAuliffe

i like Melissa... Her harmonies on the Celebrity Skin record were class! I hope it does come about.