Tori Spelling got to be a Pussycat Doll over the weekend. What in the hell, God? We’ve talked about this before. This is not funny – at all. You think it’s cool to blind people, but, newsflash, it ain’t. Honestly, man, cut this shit out. If I see something like this again, I’ll totally come up there. You might’ve given me these Herculean biceps, but so help me, uh, you, I’m not afraid to smack you around a bit. Aw, okay, that was a bit harsh. You can stop crying. Seriously, it’s okay. All I’m asking is that you put a burlap sack over Tori Spelling’s face whenever she’s out in public. Is that too much to ask? Oh, you can remember to do that if I can remember to take you shopping every once in a while? It never ends with you does it?
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Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon received a marriage license on Saturday. Pamela had announced a few months ago that she was engaged, but only recently was it revealed to be with Rick Salomon, who once made a sex tape with Paris Hilton. 
Eva Longoria is the star of a new sex tape that’s hit the web. Apparently it’s only on pay sites, but thanks to the beauty of the internet, it should be free and in my computer by the end of the day. 
Christina Aguilera was spotted in Hollywood heading to lunch with a sasquatch her husband Jordan. You can definitely tell she’s pregnant by her massive breasts shining glow. Her lower back must be killing her because of those gargantuan boobs heels. She should see me in a shady hotel a chiropractor. I just want Christina to be healthy and provide her baby with lots of love. Because she’s got the breast milk covered. I mean, seriously, astronauts in space have boners right now. Ah, the circle of life.
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