Britney threads (merged)

[superficial]

Britney Spears met with MTV execs and presented them with an opening act for the upcoming Video Music Awards. Criss Angel helped design the performance that Britney hopes will return her to the forefront of modern pop. US Magazine reports:

“She’s planning it to be a big comeback performance,� says a Spears insider, who adds that the goal is to make it “shocking.� One early idea that was canned? Performing “My Prerogative� amid a medley of hits, as images of exes Justin Timberlake, 26, and Kevin Federline, 29, and other gossip fodder flashed on a screen behind her. As for a report that she’d do a duet with Timberlake? “Totally, patently false,� says a Timberlake source.

You know what would be a really shocking performance? If MTV showed a video of Britney Spears staying at home, tending to her children and basically acting like a human being with normal maternal instincts. Nobody gets dropped or used for an ashtray. Child services doesn’t stop by. And most importantly, no one sees up Britney’s skirt. Will she and Criss Angel go that route? Probably not. She’s going to pull a rabbit out of a hat and gyrate on stage until it dies. Criss Angel will jump out of Britney’s leotard and yell “Abracadabra!� prompting your TV to self-destruct. It might be made out of circuits and metal, but goddammit if it doesn’t have a heart and won’t let you suffer.

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[Hot Carl]

The more I look at her, the more I want to vomit. Does anyone else have this reaction? I wonder what it is like to be her level of insane.

[superficial]

Shannon Funk, the former assistant to Britney Spears, is apparently worthy of paparazzi attention. Granted, she’s sort of hot in a slutty, hey-she’s-not-Britney kind of way. But this chick is not a celebrity. Want further proof? She’s hanging out with Jamie Kennedy. The last person seen in public with Jamie was an Egg McMuffin. But at least the McMuffin wasn't dishing out free lap dances. Not that Jamie Kennedy would turn one down. I heard he once got an erotic massage from a bagel. I have no evidence to back that up, but this is the gossip biz, so what I say goes. Now on to my next story: "Jamie Kennedy impregnates Whopper with cheese." Photos: TMZ


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[superficial]

Larry Rudolph, the former manager of Britney Spears, was subpoenaed Thursday and must now testify in the custody battle between Britney and Kevin Federline. Larry had told Ryan Seacrest earlier this week that he was trying to avoid being served for fear of harming Britney’s case. People reports:

Rudolph “was served about 30 minutes ago,� said Erin Tietsort, the assistant manager at the Sunset Tan in West Los Angeles, on Thursday afternoon. “He's employed here. He's part-owner.� Tietsort described the process server as a 5'8" brunette in black slacks and a buttoned-up shirt. “We asked her who she was but she just said she had a meeting with [Rudolph]. After he walked in he said, 'Can I help you?' and she just handed the papers and left. He had no idea. He then said [to himself], ‘Oh, okay. Yeah. They've been looking for me. This is for Britney Spears-Kevin Federline.’ I was like, ‘Really?’ And he just stared out the window. You could tell he wasn't too happy about it,� said Tietsort.

There is only one plausible explanation for these turn of events: Larry Rudolph is absolutely, 100% retarded. Who publicly says they have damaging information about a high-profile celebrity custody battle, then hides out in a establishment they are part owner of? Larry Rudolph. That’s who. In case you’re not fully convinced of the guy’s stupidity, here’s something to chew on: Larry Rudolph thought it was a good idea for Britney Spears to hang out with Paris Hilton. If his goal was to blind the world, mission accomplished.

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