since i was young, mother would reward me for good report cards and other such achievements with lunch at the fairmont downtown.

i've recently been promoted to junior account executive at work, so we met this afternoon and proceeded to get shitfaced.

i noticed a minor celebrity in our midst, but was reluctant to point her out to mother, as i know how she can get when drinking. but it was laurie metcalf, who played jackie on roseanne. the guy she was with looked familiar too, and i realized it was the actor who had played her abusive boyfriend fisher. i vaguely recalled reading that they were either dating or married in real life.

anyway, after a few drinks, i ease up and little and kind of point them out to mother.
she's semi-impressed, and the conversation moves towards old episodes of roseanne.

then we get to talking loudly, then yelling shit like "aunt jackie, we know you didn't walk into a door" and "leave him, you can do better"

the bitch gets up and narcs us out, as management comes to our table and asks us to leave.

mother is on probation, so we decide it's best to just get up and go. but on the way out she picks up the wine from their table and pours it all over fisher (not even sure the actor's name) and says "i hate myself for that"
just like on the program!!!!

then we fucking RUuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnn like hell. i was sure we were going to get fucking busted and my heart was pounding for the next hour.

you know how it is when you totally understand what you've done is wrong, but still resent the wronged party? i feel that way about aunt jackie now. what a fucking bitch.

maybe next time we'll see the original becky. i've been meaning to kick her in the box.

You ought to submit that to a magazine of some sort. Great story!

this is really great.
you and your mom kind sound like kenneth and sante kimes, only more of a good time.
does your mom have a special nickname for you?

__________________
Lend me ten pounds and I'll buy you a drink.

This made me laugh uncontrollably. I needed that.