i just ate

a piece of leftover pizza
almost a pint of yoghurt
a big chunk of gross super-processed rubbery orange cheese
a huge bowl of candy and chocolate
an apple (shut up. not funny.)

and i sort of want to die. i feel so sick. my stomach hates me.

the crazy thing is that i know how gross and sick i feel after eating too much, yet it's like i jut choose not to believe it, and i go and do it again. it's so predictable. i feel like shit for some reason, i make up some excuse to go to the grocery store, i come home with a bunch of crap food and just eat myself sick.

it's not just that either. it's expensive. i spend SO MUCH money on food, and i throw away everything that's left over because it's disgusting and gross food that i don't normally eat (and even if it was good food, i usually feel like "i'm never eating again. ever.").

and there's the eating in secret thing. for some reason i'm obsessed with eating when no one's watching.
i hide food in my room instead of putting it in the kitchen cupboards (even thought i don't really know or like the people i live with, and certainly don't give a fuck what they think about my food).
when i lived with friends and didn't have much privacy, i'd buy food and walk up a god damn mountain nearby just so i could eat in private. seriously. i'd drag my fucking cheese and crackers and chocolate and whatnot up a whole mountain (hey, at least i got exercise. eh.), and sit there for like an hour. on a bench. in the woods. eating.
and i don't really eat at work, but when no one's watching i steal food from the fridge. yes. that's right. i'm an adult woman and i STEAL FOOD from my workplace. that is fucking PATHETIC. i don't even enjoy it, i just look out to see if anyone's around, and if they're not, i just grab something and eat it.

so. this is nicely embarassing. errr. sorry to go all ana capps on you, kittyradio. i was just having one of those big catholic confessional moments. and needed something to distract me from the feeling that my stomach is trying to do some sort of houdini-esque escape up my esophagus.

:/

try not to panic so much
i totall binge eat all the time and its horrible <333
perhaps if you feel THAT bad you can go for a massive run or something?

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buy me some shoes any maybe take me for cola?

I don't know about you, but when I feel fat it doesn't matter how lovely the people around me are, I don't want them to see me eating. Even when what I'm eating is healthy.

i love watching people eat, it makes me happy?
i just couldnt eat infront of someone who i REALLY wanted to impress or someone who made me nervous . . .

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buy me some shoes any maybe take me for cola?

I'm actually really glad you did bring this here. It's really brave of you. People look at anarexia and bulimia as sad and real, but acceptable. I tend to binge then fast over and over and it sucks. I eat late at night when I get lonely and no one will know. I really dont eat during the day at all. And I know ALL about how shitty you feel afterwards. I'm feeling it now in sympathy for ya. <333

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getting tired of the collective orgasm at the public declaration of the word "change"

Dr. Nathanson

wow lucy, this brings me back to the feeling i used to have when i was majorly restricting, its an awful feeling, i was never a binge purger, but i've had my share of binges, they were usually after a long period of restiricting but it was by no means a binge by normal standards.


ED's are never really about food....i'm sure anyone who's had knows that, its the feelings and the rewards you give urself from the behaviors. its just easier (which doesnt mean its easy) to focus on that than it is the other stuff. took me years to get better, not cured better, and when its a major stressfull period in my life i become hyperaware of my eating habits,it sucks.
I'm so afraid of starving again that i actually started smoking awhile back so i'd get the munchies so that i'd eat normally......thats twisted.

anyway i've been of no help but thanks for letting me vent

^ <3
---

It is mostly emotional. I'm curious about ana/mia emotional payoffs. Like, as an over-eater, I feel comfort and well.. food tastes good so you're getting a pleasent sensation, ya know. But I don't understant the opposite well I guess... I understand like the goal, you're looking at, but is there any actual pleasure in the act?

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getting tired of the collective orgasm at the public declaration of the word "change"

Dr. Nathanson

overall ana's are about control, i can't control my environment/other ppl/my feelings/whatever it may be for each person. Its not necessarily about going to control ur exterior as much as some ppl think, its about controling the feelings of hunger and getting off (for me) on not feeling it anymore, its not so much about the initial positive feedback you get from being skinnier although that plays a role too. its about (depriving) controlling something that is inate in nature to do and that other ppl can't.

do you have binge eaters syndrome?

there are no payoffs because its never good enough.

with bulimia its even worse because even after youve purged theres still that shame.

shitty either way you look at it

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getting tired of the collective orgasm at the public declaration of the word "change"

Dr. Nathanson

I'm like that, I don't like eating in front of other people. I'd much rather eat up alone in my room.

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C-c-c-c-c-cocaine

um, i really don't think this is bad. this is what i'll eat for dinner.
do you guys think it is binge-eating? it doesn't seem that bad - i mean, it's not like:
1 large pizza
2 large cokes
3 cheeseburgers
4 chocolate sundaes
you know?

i think i binge eat, but all i eat is rubbish, and i'll only eat it like once a day (or once every two days), so it doesn't make me feel that bad.

I hate to sound like captain obvious and everything but the reason you're doing this is probably because you're avoiding having to deal with some other issue (emotional maybe).

Eating in secret is a typical symptom of having an eating disorder. Anorexics do this... I think it has something to do with being ashamed of eating and not wanting people to see it.

Then again I also have certain hangups about eating in front of people (esp if I don't know them very well) but I've never had an eating disorder. It has more to do with shyness etc.

Maybe some therapy is in order, it may help. Also try keeping a really detailed record of everything you eat. You may be less likely to eat on autopilot.

You certainly have disored behavior: secretive eating and hoarding.

Any kind of eating disorder sucks, sucks, sucks.

But, try not to beat your self up because that just creates a horrid cycle of binging, feeling shitty and then binging again because you feel shitty.

When I was recovering from anorexia I would have certain foods that I couldn't resist that would send me into a binge. Cereal for example. After 5 years after being recovered I can finally have a box of cereal in my house.

I could never eat infront of people, and I would throw up in my mouth watching others eat.

Oh the issues.