Dear Careers & Education,

This is a promise to you that I will contain my graduate school admission anxiety to this thread and not act crazy and mopey. The general public cannot be exposed to my insanity and insecurities.

I wake up at 5 in the morning with anxiety over applications. I cannot go back to sleep. Today I woke up after sleeping 10hours and then I napped for another two in the afternoon. In the mornings, I am so wound up I cannot even cry or feel sad or anything. I just feel WOUND UP.

My friends understand, Careers & Education, but they also love me so of course they say that I will do brilliantly and will have many schools to choose from. I appreciate their optimism and their love. However, I prefer to live in pessimism just in case I do happen to fail spectacularly and I can say, "I fucking told you so, everyone!"

Careers & Education, I am not sure what you can do for me. Most graduate students here are either abroad or they are a.rimbaud and well if he and I became buddies we would probably explode.

Yours truly,
Paula

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The fresh heartbreak was, in a sense, like being in a foreign country; everything seemed alien, brilliant and glinting. It was as if I’d been flayed, so that even the air hurt. When you’re that unhappy, any glimmer of beauty or consolation feels like running into an old friend abroad, or seeing mountaintops through smog. Maybe we mistakenly think we want “happiness,” which we tend to picture in very vague, soft-focus terms, when what we really crave is the harder-edged intensity of experience.

pabber. you sound just like my bff lady. she is having daily grad school freakout from hell and she's convinced she's not getting in anywhere and if she is they're not giving her any funding and omg omg omg omg all day long. nothing i say makes her feel any better even though she tries for my sake to act like it does.

and frankly i probably don't do a very convincing job bc the thought of wanting so bad to go back to the hellhole in my mind that is academia doesn't really, um. resonate for me. but anyway i mostly just think people i like should get to do what they want with their lives. so that includes you.

have zoanthropy write you a recommendation letter.

Rumors are Swirling that pablita is a good person....

this sounds just like my boyfriend has for the past, god knows how many, months. i'm positive he'll do fine and get into his choice of schools but i think at this point my encouragement is just going in one ear and out the other because he's so immersed in his hysteria.

well. if it helps you, i am too afraid to even apply

mostly because i dont really know if i want to go

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The greatest asset they all have is themselves. And yet does anybody promote that to them? Does anybody tell them that they are the greatest asset they have? Or are they steered to idol worship? Are they moved, are they motivated, are they inspired to look at the president or any politician as their only salvation? If they are, it's just a shame.

what programs are they applying for?

do they have a masters degree already? are they still in school now?

I do appreciate others concern for me. But it;s kind of like when you're going through heartbreak. It's all fun times and giggles with your friends, until you have to go to bed by yourself and wake up in the morning with the realization that this huge thing is looming over you.

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The fresh heartbreak was, in a sense, like being in a foreign country; everything seemed alien, brilliant and glinting. It was as if I’d been flayed, so that even the air hurt. When you’re that unhappy, any glimmer of beauty or consolation feels like running into an old friend abroad, or seeing mountaintops through smog. Maybe we mistakenly think we want “happiness,” which we tend to picture in very vague, soft-focus terms, when what we really crave is the harder-edged intensity of experience.