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  #1  
Old 07-03-2006, 10:50 AM
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Please read my poetry

I'm sorry, I don't really know where to put this, is this place allright?

I write some poetry sometimes. Most of the time it's English but sometimes in Dutch too. I'm a bit afraid of what my friends say about it... So I guess it's a good idea to put it on this board. Could you please tell me what you think about it, honestly?
I wrote it yesterday, about my boyfriend not talking about his feelings to me, and it has some quotes from songs in it, that fit the situation.

The original Dutch version:
Voel het water tussen m’n tenen
“You’re not worth the loneliness”
Zoete lucht waait in mijn gezicht
“I’d cherish all my misery alone”
Zeg iets, zeg iets verdomme!
Ik heb het koud
“You would look good in my clothes”
Mieren krioelen en ik voel me zo alleen
“It’s a fucking bugs-world”
Hoe langer je kijkt, hoe meer je ziet
“Can I embrace your face?”
Je hebt het me beloofd,
Je hebt op me gewacht,
Hou van me!

The translated version:
I feel the water between my toes
"You're not worth the loneliness"
Sweet smell blows in my face
"I'd cherish all my misery alone"
Say something, say something damnit!
I'm cold
Bugs crawl around us and I feel so alone
"It's a fucking bugs-world"
The longer you stare, the more you see
"Can I embrace your face?"
You promised me,
You've waited for me,
Love me!

Your opinion would mean ALOT to me!!
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  #2  
Old 07-03-2006, 11:42 AM
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KillTheLastRomantic KillTheLastRomantic is offline
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reminds me of vampires in italy.
you stole a courtney lyric.
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  #3  
Old 07-03-2006, 12:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KillTheLastRomantic
reminds me of vampires in italy.
you stole a courtney lyric.
I know, I know.

quote: and it has some quotes from songs in it, that fit the situation.
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  #4  
Old 07-03-2006, 01:20 PM
FunHappyGal FunHappyGal is offline
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  #5  
Old 07-03-2006, 01:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FunHappyGal
But guys: please tell me honestly what you think about it!
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  #6  
Old 07-03-2006, 01:55 PM
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i could like soooo turn that into a song... its beautifully twisted
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  #7  
Old 07-04-2006, 12:36 PM
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I understand that it can be tempting to use someone else's words when you feel nothing can describe or fit in better. When composing, try to forget everything you have ever heard before and just speak from your heart.
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  #8  
Old 07-04-2006, 12:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by desdemona
I understand that it can be tempting to use someone else's words when you feel nothing can describe or fit in better. When composing, try to forget everything you have ever heard before and just speak from your heart.
I know, I do! I write more, and the whole "quote-thing" was new for me. But I just thought it was a nice way of mixing some songs I like, I am not 'stealing' any lyrics. That's why I put them between " "
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  #9  
Old 07-06-2006, 12:28 PM
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Bump! Bump!
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  #10  
Old 07-08-2006, 07:30 AM
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It's really good, even though you quoted other people. But the thing about that is, if you pretend those aren't there, it's still written well. Kudos.
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  #11  
Old 07-09-2006, 04:26 AM
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KillTheLastRomantic KillTheLastRomantic is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by -Jo
I know, I know.

quote: and it has some quotes from songs in it, that fit the situation.
Opps! Sorry I didn't see that.
Its really rad though. Honest.
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  #12  
Old 07-21-2006, 11:08 AM
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it dosent really make sense
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