I just wrote this, tell me what you think and be completely honest:

Princess monoxide aspirin stink,
She's the pig whose wine I drink,
Six shiny shotguns by her side,
Her ovaries washed in cyanide.

Drowns in mother's acid bath,
And I can only laugh,
I'll slut you in half,
I'll slut you in half.

She chokes on herself in her sleep,
Her cancer daughters in her keep,
Flowers rot so quick in her presence,
Everything dies and rapes and ferments.

Beauty secrets not so nice,
Rotten is her only vice,
Has no edelweiss,
There's no edelweiss.

I want to turn it into a song, and I was thinking that I might layer sounds of women orgasming and screaming over the guitar solo. Very faint so you can barely hear it, though.

perhaps you shouldn't listen to pretty on the inside right before writing your own songs.

I know, I really dislike using it as such an influence. But when I don't write something POTI-esque, it comes out just plain embarrassing and horrible.

i'd think it was more embarrassing to write something poti-esque. but that's just me.

Well thanks for being honest and I'll try to develop more of my own sound. But the lyrics of early Hole are probably my favorite lyrics ever, I don't see how they are embarrassing.

they are not embarrassing. i'm saying you should be embarrassed to be so blatantly biting off of someone else's work. this goes far beyond mere influence. you sound like you're trying to write poti 2. as you said, develop your own style.

I'm 13, so I guess I have plenty of time to do that.

write what you know and feel. It's fun to take various poets or lyricists and make a poem in their style but your way for practice. You'll find your own voice eventually. Take some classes in school. Keep it up.

no. you need to develop your own sound completely. secod-rate POTI aren't interesting in the least. you can tell you've just stuck words together to get that sound, and it doesn't work.

i get the sense also that you don't know what you're writing. you're sticking words together without meaning. wtf does "i'll slut you in half" even mean? clove's was lame the first time around.

i'm really not trying to rip into you but it's so utterly obvious that you don't have your own voice. don't try to be clove.

EDIT: try and find some books on poetry. read as many kinds as you can. your best bet is to find an anthology at the library of classic poetry. read up on that and even try a how-to book if you want. since you're 13 you're not going to be getting much of this in high-school. research and pratice.

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It's about this chick after my man. It's about how I really hate her but act like her friend. It's a complicated situation.

edit: and "I'll slut you in half" was originally "I'll slice you in half" (out of rage) but it didn't sound right to me so I changed it, sue me.

you're 13 and you have a 'man'? enjoy being a kid and a teen and don't try to place yourself in the midst of all these adult-like problems. go get ice cream with your friends.

just for reference, you can't "slut" someone in half. sorry.

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I am enjoying my teen years but not with icecream.

People can't do alot of things that are said in words. Sorry.

okay fine but do yourself a favor and stray as far far away from the typical teen jerry springer lifestyle as possible.

sure but it doesn't make sense, and it's an obvious clove rip off.

are you going to sleep with tons of men to make her feel worse about herself? i don't understand this line, and i seriously don't think you do, either.

listen to cherrynebs. she knows what she's talking about.

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I'm far from it. I'm straight edge, a good student and stay out of trouble for the most part.

good for you. i'm being serious. then keep up it up and you're bound to find your own voice. if liz phair did, you can too.

Thanks, I'll really try to get my own sound down. Clove started off as a faint influence, but I can definitely see how it has gone from influence---->ripoff. I just never really looked thoroughly enough to notice I did.

I basically agree with what the others said before me. You're still too young and I'm sure if you keep writing you will eventually find your own style.

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then she dances skirt swaying in the half-light she dances white blossom in the black sky
'I need new clothes', she thinks, 'new skin, a mind I can bear to live in'.